Pillar of Autumn

Pillar of Autumn is an apt choice for busting this blog's bitter little cherry because this band sums up everything that we are fighting against. In fact, we may be better off foregoing what will surely be weeks/days/months of intense loathing, headaches, hulk-like rages and weeping on each other's shoulders, and just telling you about this one band. They are shit, but they are shit that wants to sparkle, and, so intense is their desire, that they actually achieve a bit of an outward glint. However, you musn't be fooled. I said that they are shit and I mean it. They are utter shit. They are superbly shitty. They are Hitler shit. They are a bubbly shit demon. They are a pile of filmy morning-after-Saint-Patrick's-Day shit with black eyeliner and puffed-out hair that stops you and asks you to buy its record and a couple of its T-shirts.

Pillar of Autumn's music is the typical emo/metal trash littered with simplistic socio-political themes. These perfectly reflect every 10th grader's perspective on war and industry ("Their machines destroy our land and we're too weak to take a stand"). Very nice, Rob. Very short-sighted. Now anyone who says things like, "it's just the fuckin' government, man" and loves the WRIF will automatically love you. We can only hope that some day you'll write an equally useless song about some other problem for which there is no immediate answer... I'VE GOT IT! How about "Michigan weather"!? Oooooh, and you can use some even more non-commital, trivial lyrics! ("One day it's freezing / One day we sweat / We're too pathetic to stand and fight it yet") And, oh! How I love the creative process! You can alternate between your lame-dick singing voice and that meticulously measured scream that you've been practicing! It will be the best throwaway-ass-rock record that will be released all day.

The Autumn Pillar's image and sound compliment each other perfectly. It is common, adolescent and disposable. Just as their guitars, drums and vocals are overproduced to the point that they are indiscernible from any other high-gloss, low-talent act on the market, so are the personalities of the individual band members smeared into absolute obscurity. They may have once been people like you or I, but now they just *s*p*a*r*k*l*e*... that‘s really all they do though. They can’t fly or fight or crow or write good music… Oh, wait, there is one other thing they can do. They can - and they have, unless someone else did it for them - create for themselves a fittingly mind-numbing set of aliases like Rob Forever, Ed Always, Spencer Mabey, Frank Hardly, and Christopher Never. I feel stupid typing them.

Still, what seems worse than this band being a hollowed-out cliche is that they probably go out of their way to keep themselves that way. We at DBTS know this because we have seen the Pillars of the Falling Leafy Season all over the place for years now and their modus operandi remains constant. It's probably posted on the wall of their practice space right now, as if an excerpt from the Absolute Douche Rocker Bible (sold for $29.95 at all Guitar Center stores):

"GO NOW, YE PILLARS OF COCK, AND ERECT A PILLAR OF CASH! TAKETH NO MIND OF ART! TAKETH NO MIND OF THE TALENTED AND THE TRUTHFUL! YE ARE NEITHER! YE SHALL NOT DO AS THEY DO! YE SHALL NOT TAKETH RISKS! YE SHALL USE MAKE-UP AND GLAMOUR SHOTS TO FOOL ALL INTO BUYING YOUR MERCHANDISE!"

This - certainly in my eyes and maybe yours - is the greatest sin anyone can commit as a musician and, undoubtedly, as a human being.

Pilsner of Autonomy Trivia a.k.a. Something I Made Up About The Band That I’m Almost Sure Is True Anyway:
When it came to choosing a name, Pillar of Autumn had many ideas. The list of names that didn't make the cut included equally brilliant handles, such as 'Ocarina of Time', 'Call of Duty', 'God of War', 'Prince of Persia', 'Curse of the Black Pearl', 'King of Queens', 'Robin of Locksley', 'Bag of Glass', 'Mike Tyson's Punch-out', and 'Rock of Ages' (still rolllllin', still rolllllin').

Proof of Suckiness: www.myspace.com/pillarofautumnband